Feels Like Today
by joeysgirl4eva
Summary: Followup to Dead Man's Blood.


Feels Like Today

"Dad, all due respect, but that's a bunch of crap."

If I had known the ultimate shock value of these words or the vehemence with which Dean uttered them I would have begged him to tell Dad off years ago. I had never been prouder of him in my life. 27-years-old and he was finally standing up to the man who had been barking orders at us since we were old enough to fire a gun by ourselves.

Instead of really paying attention to what Dean was saying about our going after this demon as a family Dad gave us another order.

The next day after having vanquished the vampires in Colorado Dean followed Dad's truck, tightening and loosening his grip on the steering wheel of the Impala. I, as usual, sat in the passenger seat. Finally turning my attention away from the other cars on the road and the blurring trees, I turned a worried gaze toward Dean.

"Save that puppy-dog look stuff for the locals, Sam," he said, tailing Dad off of the highway. It was the first complete sentence I'd heard him say in over two hours. I was usually the brooding one in the Winchester family. To see Dean take on the sullen, moody attitude was, to say the least, a bit bizarre. Not to mention annoying as hell. It made me wonder why Dean had never tried to kick my ass before. Maybe it was because he knew I wasn't like him and Dad. The two of them were more driven by action then I was. I liked to think things through before acting. Most of the time anyway.

"I can't believe you did that," I whispered, staring at my hands.

"Did what, Sammy?" he asked, his eyes quickly darting to me then back to the road ahead.

"Told Dad to stick it," I mumbled.

Dean chuckled. "Sam, that's what you do, remember? I just told him that we need to waste this demon as a family, man. The way I figure it the demon didn't just attack Mom that night, it came after our entire family. So we need to destroy the bitch together, ya know?"

I nodded profusely. "Yeah, Dean. So why the hell doesn't Dad get that?"

Dean sighed heavily. "He does, Sammy. Right now though he's more concerned with keeping us alive."

I rolled my eyes, grunting in disgust. "Doesn't it bother you that he only keeps us on a need to know basis?"

Dean groaned, muttering something that sounded like, "Jesus fuck, Sam."

"Excuse me!?" I demanded.

"Did I miss something here? When the hell did this become the soap opera of the week?"

"I thought you were on my side," I said, immediately regretting my choice of words as I felt my face heat up under Dean's gaze. He grunted in response, pulling the car over to the side of the road. Digging in his black leather jacket he pulled out his cell phone, quickly dialing Dad's number.

"Hey, Dad. Yeah, Sammy and I gotta take a piss. No, sir, it's urgent. We couldn't wait to find a pit stop. Yeah, we'll meet you there." After hanging up his phone Dean turned toward me.

"So, did Dad actually tell you where we're headed this time or are we still on this whole '_need to know_' crap?" Glaring at me, Dean opened his door, slamming it behind him. I knew he was really pissed with me if he was treating the Impala like a car rather than like a gift from the gods the way he normally did. Watching him angrily kick up grass on the side of the road, I reluctantly climbed out of the car and headed over to him.

"Dean, what the hell is your problem!?" I demanded. His head snapped up and he shot me the coldest, deadliest glare I had ever seen.

"No, Sam, the question is what the hell is _your_ problem!?" I was tempted to start arguing with him but his pained, hurt expression stopped me.

"What's wrong, Dean?" I whispered gently.

"Sam…Sammy, I…" he trailed off, choking back a sob, struggling desperately to hold back his tears. Alarmed at this sudden change in his behavior I cautiously drew closer to him.

"Dean, _please_. Tell me what's wrong," I whispered pleadingly. He coughed roughly. "Sammy, don't," he insisted, turning his back to me.

"Don't what?" I asked, touching his shoulder lightly. He slowly turned toward me again, wiping angrily at his eyes, trying to rid himself of his unshed tears.

"Don't care about me. Just…just stop."

"_What_!?" I demanded, shocked.

"It's my fault you're here. If I hadn't dragged you off in search of Dad maybe… maybe Jess… Jess would still…" a haunted, desperate sob ripped from his gut out his throat.

"Dean…" I began, finally comprehending how much pain my brother was really in. How far he was willing to go to protect me from the pain of losing Jessica. But to heap the blame all on his shoulders when he didn't even…? _Christ_. It was a horrible thought.

"No…_No_! Let me finish," he insisted, his voice slowly regaining some semblance of his abrasive, '_Let's find the bastard and blow his brains out_' attitude.

"All right," I agreed, a smile of patient understanding on my face.

"You're all I've got in this world, Sam. And I _am_ on your side, okay? I promise, Sammy. I don't regret what I said to Dad. I mean, it took me long enough to stand up to the guy, huh?" Dean asked me, a small smile dancing on his lips. I chuckled, shaking my head. "That's an understatement, don't you think, Dean?" He shrugged, nervously licking at his lips. "Yeah, maybe. Um, Sammy, I need to talk to you." I raised an eyebrow in his direction. "I thought that's what we were doing, Dean?"

"Hey, listen, smartass, I'm trying to be open and honest with you here. If you're not interested we can always go meet up with Dad," he growled, glaring at me again.

"No, no, I'm listening," I protested, smiling half-heartedly at him. Sensing I was serious he nodded, sighing heavily. "All right. You remember Cassie, don'tcha?" His eyes quickly met mine before focusing on the ground. He cleared his throat, finally raising his head again. I tried to ask my next question delicately, terrified that Dean would breakdown completely if I wasn't careful.

"Dean, is she…?" He quickly cut me off.

"God, no, Sam. It's nothing like that. Cassie's fine. I just…I just wanted to tell you that she's the only woman I've ever really loved. She's like my Jessica, ya know?"

I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat as we both made ourselves comfortable on the hood of the car. "Anyway," Dean continued. "Even though I loved Cassie I still couldn't be completely open with her. I've only been able to share my every thought with one other person in my life. And yet I still don't have the guts to tell this person how much I really do…Oh, Jesus, Sammy, I can't do this," he said, sliding off the hood of the car, walking away from me for the second time. His shoulders shook as he finally gave into the tears he'd been holding in, god knows how long. He was hurting and I had to help remedy that anyway I could. Gently grabbing onto his shoulders I slowly turned him toward me, refusing to let go of my hold on him as concern flooded my features.

"We'll fix this okay? I promise, Dean. Just tell me what's wrong," I whispered. He roughly pulled himself out of my grasp, pushing at my chest.

"I was such an idiot to think I could open myself up to you, Sam. You're just going to leave me when this is all over, aren't you!? Forget the hell this family has been under the past twenty-two years, right? As long as _you_ get revenge for your girlfriend's death nothing else matters! Well, guess what, Sam, you bailing on us again? It matters to me! It matters to Dad! We're your family and you're just throwing in the fucking towel! Do I really mean that little to you, Sammy? Because you certainly mean a hell of a lot to me."

"Are you done?" I asked quietly.

He snorted in disgust. "No, I'm not. You've always wondered why I haven't been more honest with people, right? Well, it's pretty hard to be honest with strangers when the one person I love most in the world is clinging so hard to the past that he doesn't even see what has been in front of his face this entire time."

"I just want to go to college again, Dean. Have some semblance of normalcy in my life again."

"So what we do isn't normal enough for you, Mr. Joe College?" Dean demanded, throwing his arms around dramatically.

I stood in silence for several minutes, contemplating what Dean had told me.

"I've really hurt you, haven't I?" I whispered.

"Gee, you think!?" he snarled, glaring heatedly at me.

"I don't know what I can say to make this better."

"Promise me something," Dean muttered, staring at his boots.

"What? Anything."

"You won't tell a soul what I'm about to do."

"Dean, what are you…?" Dean lunged himself at me, throwing his arms around my neck, hugging me tight. I held him, feeling as if this didn't even come close to repaying him for everything he'd done for me, couldn't begin to help him heal.

"Just ease up on Dad, all right? You think you can do that?"

I chuckled into his neck. "Yeah, maybe. So, we good, Dean?"

"Yeah, we're good."

"We gonna met up with Dad tonight then?" I asked.

Dean cocked his head, staring at me in amusement. "Yeah, or tomorrow? I was thinking we could stop somewhere. Play some pool or something," he suggested with a smirk. I chuckled again, shaking my head. "You got yourself a deal, Dean," I said, as we headed back to the car.

**THE END**


End file.
